I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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