Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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