A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
