Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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