Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hippo gnu deer
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
