Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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