He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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