Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
