wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She told me I should be a condom model.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
