I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
is that a dick in a sweater?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
