I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
