When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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