the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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