I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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