So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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