I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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