I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
