Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
