im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We need to rekindle our bromance
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
