Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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