I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
