That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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