The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
