every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
