captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My bed smells like the plague
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
