So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i drank out of a bidet.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
