I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
