In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
