So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Randomize
