you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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