just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
