I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
