I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
