I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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