i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
