Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
