I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
