I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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