So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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