I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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