I smell stomach acid.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
