Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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