I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
