Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
