Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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