I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
