I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
