I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
