when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
