I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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